Simon Cowell Agrees To Judge Special Olympics
The notorious American Idol crank promises no Olympian will receive “special” treatment when being judged.
By MATTHEW MONROE
LOS ANGELES—Simon Cowell silenced many of his detractors Thursday when he announced his commitment to a new charitable endeavor. The American Idol judge and notorious crank revealed that he will serve as a special guest judge this June at the Special Olympics.
Cowell addressed a group of reporters at a press conference in Los Angeles to promote this year’s Special Olympics.
He began, “You call this a press conference? The speakers are in the wrong place. This microphone is rubbish. It’s about as organized as a blind crackhead’s hair in a hurricane. Did
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January 24, 2008
the Special Olympians themselves set this up?”
But after his initial complaints, Cowell settled in and optimistically discussed his first philanthropic undertaking:“I look forward to judging those miserable bastards and judging them harshly. If anyone thinks I’m going to go easy on them because they have ‘special needs’, they’ve got another thing coming.”
When asked if he thought it was wise for a judge best known for being a gaping asshole to judge an event that rewards effort not talent, Cowell seemed apathetic.
“If you’re not bloody good enough to win, don’t even bother coming. We’re looking for the best. If I’m harsh with these people, it’s because they need a dose of reality. You’re not bloody strong. You’re not bloody fast. Rueben could probably beat you in a race.”
To end the press conference a reporter asked Cowell what he thought of the Special Olympics policy of giving every competitor a medal.
Cowell responded with characteristic compassionate charm, “Frankly I’ve had it with the whole ‘everybody gets a medal’ nonsense. If I had it my way, none of these people would get medals.”
