McConaughey_Peacemaker

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For his part, the bare-chested McConaughey seemed as prepared for his new job as diplomat as he does for his movie roles, “Truth be told, I don’t know the difference between an Ay-rab and a Jew, but it’s alright. I’ve yet to meet a problem that can’t be solved with a little brew, a little bud, and a lotta love. I’m here, man.”

Few doubt McCoanaughey's good intentions, but this assignment would be a daunting task for an experienced statesmen, let alone for a mentally-challenged actor who fails to see the benefits of t-shirts, formal education, or deodorant.

Nevertheless, the president showed confidence in his abilities. “I know that Matty will do a great job. First of all, he's a Texan,” said Bush with a wink. “Second of all, he's got as much experience as Brownie did, and I put him in change of our nation's disaster security. I'm only putting Matty in charge of the Israeli-Palestine conflict. And I hardly see what that has to do with our national security.”

McConaughey unsurprisingly also doesn't seem too worried, “One of the president’s guys told me they’ve been fighting for 200 years or something. It’s alright. Remember how I broke up that fight between the dork and the greaser at the party in ‘Dazed and Confused’? In my mind, it’s the same thing.”

But it’s those kinds of statements where McConaughey seems to be unable to distinguish fantasy from reality that has many critics worried. They believe this deficiency could be a result of either repeated drug use or general stupidity. And either way they fear it may ultimately hinder the peace process in the Middle East.

However, McConaughey silenced many of those critics with his dynamic answer to the following question posed by veteran Middle East correspondent Robert Fisk:

“Given the relatively low popularity of Prime Minister Ehud Olmert, the current fractured political state of Palestine, and the fact that the Palestinian Authority Government is ready to waive the second phase of the proposed roadmap to peace, what advice can you tender both sides vis-à-vis a strategy for peace in the disputed Israeli territories?”

McConaughey responded, “I’d just tell ‘em: you gotta keep livin’, man. L-I-V-I-N. That’s the key to peace in the Middle East and peace everywhere.”

It’s that type of clear judgment and forward thinking that the president is counting on from McConaughey to bring peace to Israel, Palestine, the Middle East, and perhaps the world.

President Taps Matthew McConaughey to Solve Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

By RHEINHARDT LUNDKE

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Matthew McConaughey took time away from his busy schedule of making bad movies, naked bongo playing, and banging hot actresses to fly to Washington on Friday to meet with President Bush. The president had one simple request for the notoriously laid-back movie star: solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and end hundreds of years of hostilities in the region by the end of his term.

“I told him: I’m your man, boss. Consider it done,” said an upbeat McConaughey yesterday at a Rose Garden press conference historic not only because McConaughey was announced as the first former People “Sexiest Man Alive” to be appointed to the post of diplomat, but also because it was the first White House press conference since the presidency of William Howard Taft to be performed without a shirt.

A lifetime of “takin’ it easy” has prepared McConaughey to solve the world’s most complex and critical conflict.