Networks Announce Twelve New Shows About Mimes

Still Recovering from Writers’ Strike, Networks Announce 12 New Shows About Mimes

By MATTHEW MONROE

HOLLYWOOD, CA - As the writers’ strike enters its third month, television producers are becoming more and more desperate. That desperation is showing in the new 2008 network lineups, particularly in the 12 new mime and mime-related primetime television shows.

Many thought the writers strike would not affect television, as approximately two years ago Hollywood television producers decided to forgo the scripted predictability, overacting, and washed up stars of sitcoms and dramas for the scripted predictability, overacting, and washed up stars of reality shows.

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Arts & Entertainment

Chloe Ange, star of the new show 'Mimefreak'.

But it seems it’s not as simple as cashing in on their earlier decision to forgo creativity. “We’ve exhausted literally every possible idea for a reality show,” said NBC executive Don Laurens. “I mean, we have a celebrity welding competition starring Long Duck Dong, Mr. Belding, and the dog from Frasier. I’d say we’re officially out of ideas.”

The writers’ strike is hurting the late night programs as well. 'Tonight Show' host Jay Leno has resorted to a nightly knock-knock joke segment in addition to his regular opening 15 minute monologue on the weather and the price of gas lately.

And 'Late Night' host Conan O’Brien now starts his show with an improvised 20 minute long Grateful Deal-style jam of the opening theme song performed by the Max Weinberg Seven followed by random clips of 'Walker Texas Ranger' for the remainder of the show.

Ratings everywhere are slipping. And that is why, as so many others have done in times of pain and desperation, Hollywood producers are turning to mimes.

“We have so many mime shows it’s not even funny,” said ABC executive Lyle Cohen.

Indeed, a look at the network lineups for next season reveals Mr. Cohen to be correct: there are many mime shows and none appear to be funny. They include:

'I, Me, Mime', a sitcom about a single father mime struggling to make it as a radio deejay in New York while raising his blind teenage daughter; 'Man Vs. Mime', where mimes pretend to escape from the wild without any help, just like Bear Grylls; and the most anticipated show of the year 'American Gladiator with Mimes', a show entirely dedicated to the gladiators beating the ever-loving shit out mimes.

HBO is bringing back popular shows thought to be over including 'The Sopranos Final Season Redux Portrayed Through the Art of Pantomime' and 'Mimes and the City', though many critics have described the show as “beyond filthy” and believe it will be nearly impossible for the network to get it past even HBO’s censors.

A late night program looking to get a boost is 'Last Call with Carson Daly'. In fact, they have already switched over to a mime host, although no one has yet noticed that Carson Daly is missing.

And rounding out the new 2008 lineup are 'Two & A Half Mimes', 'Mimefreak', and 'Flavor of Mimes featuring Flavor Flav, Andrew Zimmern, and the Korowai tribe of Papua New Guinea'.

So with the network lineups set and the television executives temporarily appeased, only one question remains: just what do the mimes think of their big shot at fame and fortune?

Unfortunately several mimes were contacted to share their opinion for this article, but all refused comment.

Fucking mimes.

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*Note: Out of solidarity to our brothers and sisters at the WGA, none of these articles were actually written.

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