So the council, with the blessing of Mayor Mike Coleman, have begun petitioning the Ohio Senate for permission to fill the venerated Columbus landmark with an array of Pottery Barns, American Eagles, Finish Lines, Starbucks, Gaps, Gap Kids, and Baby Gaps.
“Our citizens are thirsting for another mega-mall,” says Jonathan Thurston of the Columbus City Council. I mean sure, you have Easton, Polaris, and Tuttle. Then you have, City Center, the Continent, Eastland, Westland, Great Western, Worthington, Gateway, Lane Ave, and . But I would hardly even count those last ones as real malls.
“The bottom line is there just aren’t enough malls to satisfy the demand of our citizens to purchase countless mounds of shit that they don’t need.”
But the city council is not stopping at the proposed Statehouse Fashion Center.
“It seems like it’s been ages since we’ve built a mega-theater complex in Columbus,” said Thurston. We’re looking at tearing down either the Ohio, Palace, or Southern Theater and their adjacent buildings to fulfill that need.”
Thurston seemed unworried about the historical significance of these city landmarks. “Consumers don’t want history, ambience, or beauty in a theater. They want 6 foot wide seats and jumbo cupholders. The average Columbusite weighs over twice their ideal weight and this is what the market demands.”
It’s hard to argue with logic of the city council’s claims. Mayor Mike Coleman supports them and is firmly behind the Statehouse plan. And Tuesday he stated his vision for the commercial future of Columbus at a press conference held at a local Starbucks:
“Columbus is already the fast food capital of the world. Now we are firmly committed to making it the mall capital of the world as well. I vow to you that we will not rest until our malls outnumber our schools, shelters, hospitals, and churches.”
City Council Petitions To Convert Statehouse Into Another Mall
Mayor Coleman: We will not rest until our malls outnumber our schools, shelters, hospitals, and churches.
By MATTHEW MONROE
STATEHOUSE—The Columbus City Council faces an ever-growing shopping mall crisis within its city: how to compete with the more popular suburban malls that rely more on quality and architectural elegance and how to keep up spiraling mall production in a stagnate Columbus-area mall economy that hasn’t seen a new multi-million dollar mega-mall built in over three whole years.
For the members of the Columbus City Council the answer was simple: turn the Ohio Statehouse into an upscale fashion center.
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January 24, 2008
