The billionaire founder of the Limited, Abercrombie & Fitch, and Victoria's Secret first moved to New Albany in 1994 “back when it was just a cow town with a dream.” Within 10 years, the Benevolent Retailer rebuilt the schools, upgraded the infrastructure and erected the New Albany Country Club. The improvements caused property values to soar and attracted a new wave of professionals looking to upgrade to a rider mower and escape the growing sprawl of Columbus. Five years later it seems that sprawl (to use the local vernacular) has come home to roost.
“I don’t commute two hours just to come home and see pre-fabricated houses on my block” said one irate resident “I moved here to live on a farm and golf. I’m a lawyer goddamnit!”
To stem the tide, Wexner proposed the fence at a town meeting last month. A few spoke out against the fence but were quickly placated with gift certificates, redeemable at all major Limited outlets.
Asked how his wall would stack up to the West Bank, Southern Arizona and the Great Wall of China, Wexner replied, “Ours is better. Theirs’ don’t go all the way around.” Wexner further explained that the wall will be electrified in case anyone tries to “pee on it.”
Wexner has offered all costs of the build himself. Bath & Body Works has also agreed to contribute to the project by offering free unlimited Avocado Lip and Body Balm Sanitizer, “If that helps at all.” said a spokesman.
Most affected by the fence, perhaps, are the caddies and greens keepers at the New Albany Country Club. Most already have long commutes to work and scaling a wall everyday will only make things more difficult.
“At least it’s not moat.” said one worker. “I no swimming.”
The vast majority, however, laud the construction and believe that the giant white fence will help keep the blight of urban America at bay. “We don’t want our city turning into a slum like (Upper) Arlington." said Wexner, "Now if we could just do something about those farmer types.”
Les Wexner Announces Construction of White Border Fence Around New Albany
By JASPER SPIVEY
NEW ALBANY—Les Wexner announced plans today to build a border fence around his adopted city of New Albany. The announcement came on the heels of repeated complaints of “too many poor people” reaching the posh township. According to Wexner, the fence will be ten feet high, white picket, and stretch more than 36 miles around, making New Albany the largest gated community in the world.
Community News
Free Daily
***
***
***
December 15, 2008
Work on the 10 foot tall fence has already begun.
