New Evidence Suggests Chris Columbus Not Actually 22 Feet Tall, Made of Bronze
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January 24, 2008
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By JARVIS SPIVEY
COLUMBUS - Historians have cast new doubts this week regarding the size and composition of eponymous explorer Christopher Columbus.

Until now it was commonly believed that Columbus was 22 feet tall and made of bronze.   New evidence suggests that he was actually human and probably closer to six feet in height.

The city is now considering replacing the bronze statue outside City Hall with a live human.  Critics argue that human statues are creepy and annoying and always want money.

The new evidence is based on a diary found aboard Columbus' flagship, the Santa Maria, located along the Olentangy River.  The diary was discovered by local historian Tom Havel who found it while trying to steal parts of the ship to sell on eBay.

"I like to steal stuff when I'm drunk," said Havel "I was in the crow's nest with my girlfriend and we kind of wanted a momento."

Havel found the diary hidden under a plank and immediately turned it over to authorities.  According to early reports, the first entry reads:

"Dear Diary, my name is Christopher Columbus.  I am 15 apples high with reddish hair.   Turn-ons:  Candlelight dinners, sandy beaches and bondage.  Turn-offs:  People who chew with their mouth open  (yuck!).  P.S. I am not made of bronze. "  

This is not the first time that facts surrounding Columbus' life have come into dispute.  His birthplace and his favorite color have long been debated. 
As well, many Native Americans  still deny the fact that they actually come from India.  Attempts to reach any for comment via call centers  were unsuccessful.

Although Havel hopes the diary will help set the record straight, he says the most important thing is what Christopher Columbus stands for:

"When Chrisopher Columbus first sailed up the Olentangy River, he had a dream:  A really weird dream.  I know because it's on page six (of the diary). Something about shooting a monkey out of a cannon, and he's wearing a crown made of grapes or something.  I don't know, it was weird."
City Hall is a liar