World/National

Jack Hanna Goes Apeshit

(Warning: this article contains an obscenity)

By JASPER SPIVEY

COLUMBUS - By all accounts, last night at 6:05pm, Jack Hanna went completely apeshit.

According to witnesses, the famed Director Emeritus of the Columbus Zoo “totally lost his shit” in front of a crowd of stunned onlookers just as the zoo was closing.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Dublin resident, Steve Burchold, “One minute he was handing out sno-cones to the kids, the next it was like he had gone completely batshit insane.”

One witness said that he had not seen a man lose his shit like that since Vietnam.

“I was deep in the shit back in Danang” said Charlie Cox, “but, I tell you, I've never seen shit so bananas like I saw yesterday. It makes me want to shit myself just thinking about it.”

There remains no clear answer why "Jungle Jack", "The Tan Tennessean" would suddenly become crazier than a shithouse rat. Some speculate that he has been under stress from the recent monkey business at the zoo. Others believe that it may have something to do with unresolved feelings about the shitty way that Steve Irwin died.

Of course it’s also possible that he was just shitfaced.

Hanna has kept silent since the incident last night and remains too chickenshit to answer his phone.

According to a Zoo Spokesman, however, Hanna did speak with CBS Late Show host David Letterman by phone last night, but only for “shits and giggles.”

Meanwhile, a group of teenaged volunteers from the “Zoo Crew” have been called in to deal with this shit.

In one of his most apeshit moments, it is reported that Hanna grabbed a giraffe and shoved it’s neck up the shit-end of a rhino. He then proceeded to talk shit before continuing his violent shit storm across the grounds.

No animals appear to have survived the massacre.