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Local Stoner Finds High St. Hilarious
"Dude, High St."
By SLATER GREEN
CAMPUS—Current campus resident and sometimes OSU student Ian Stemburg, or “Stems” as he's known to friends and family, simply cannot get over how funny the name High St. is.
Stemburg, 23, and two friends attended an Ekoostik Hookah concert at The Newport Music Hall on Wednesday night. After watching Hookah's three hour, two song performance, Stemburg and his friends built up quite an appetite and were intent on making a trip down High St. to White Castle to “totally grub on some sliders.”
But as they stood outside the venue on the corner of High St. and 12th Ave. trying to remember where they parked their car, Stemburg had a revelation.
After wetting his eyes with Visine, he looked up with clear vision and saw the High St sign and remarked, “Dude, I just like totally got that. High St. I mean, High St.! Do you believe that shit!? The irony! Uh-huh-huh.”
Adding, “Seriously, dude.”
It was at that point that Stemburg broke into uncontrollable hysterics. He couldn't stop laughing and hasn't since.
Friends say he has shunned all of his responsibilities, even more so than usual, and hasn't done anything but laugh since that evening. It has taken a toll on many of his personal relationships, with fits of laughter, knowing nods and smiles, and occasional phone calls and texts exclaiming: “Dude, High St.!” being his only forms of communication.
Furthermore, the constant laughter has adversely affected Stemburg's career. His co-workers at Subway first suspected there may have been something wrong after he failed to show up for work for five straight days.
“Sure he'd often miss work for a couple of days at a time, but never this long,” said fellow sandwich artist Joe Osgood. “I mean, there was the time he studied the Stone Age in geology class, the time he discovered the 'high' in 'Ohio', the five years he spent laughing through 'high' school, all the times he died laughing whenever someone greeted him with a 'hi'...
“Actually now that I think about it, I guess we all should have seen this one coming.”
But it's not just Stemburg's friends and co-workers who have been affected. His hysterics have also had a substantial impact on the local economy, as merchants in his neighborhood claim they have suffered sharp declines in both Doritos and Funyuns sales.
However, it appears this story may have a happy ending. Just before publication of this article Stemburg's friends say they were able to stop his laughter by getting his attention with a particularly colorful glow stick that has occupied him ever since.
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