Prima nocte, or first night, is an archaic European law dating from the 13th century that allows lords of noble birth to claim first rights of intimacy to any new bride under his jurisdiction on the day of her wedding. The practice was largely outlawed in Europe by the 15th century as it was considered cruel and barbaric even for medieval times.
However, with the urging of Vice President Cheney, the act began garnering support in the State Department and was eventually enacted by Congress on October 8 as a rider on a domestic violence prevention bill.
The bill states that any Blackwater employee may stake his noble claim to any Iraqi bride on the day of her marriage before her husband. Analysts expect this will cause Iraqi marriages to decrease 50%, divorces to remain steady, and honor killings to increase 1300%.
The idea for the bill came after President Bush and Vice President Cheney attended a White House screening of the film "Braveheart" together. A White House source claims Bush came out of the movie feeling pumped up and repeatedly calling William Wallace "awesome". But Cheney came out with a different view. The vice president identified with the villainous King Edward I and particularly with his cruel declaration of prima nocte.
From that point on Cheney demanded his staff refer to him only as “Longshanks” and became obsessed with finding a way to grant prima nocte to every possible soldier in Iraq. American and Iraqi law prevented him from granting American troops such a status, but there was no such law (in fact no laws whatsoever) binding contracted military outfits such as Blackwater.
The choice to allow such sweeping immunity was a long time coming for the vice president. He had been chomping at the bit to embolden companies working in Iraq since he downgraded Halliburton's status in 2004 from Infallible Supreme Overlord to mere Demigod.
But now Cheney has been granted his wish and he has the president's blessing:
“My position on this issue has been very consistent, from health care to Iraqi security. We can't trust the federal government to run things. It's not the president's place to interfere with the free market. If Blackwater massacres enough innocent civilians, then their profits and company will suffer.
“Nevertheless, it's better for companies like Blackwater to be safe than sorry. I always say: kill 'em all, and let the market sort 'em out.”
Indeed, with an optimistic free market attitude such as that, economists and sociologists alike believe it is inevitable that America will win the hearts and minds of Iraqis and bring democracy to Iraq and the entire Middle East.
Two Iraqi civilians exit their car after Blackwater soldiers pull them over for a failure to signal violation.
By MATTHEW MONROE
WASHINGTON—The American-based private military company Blackwater has been free from the jurisdiction of Iraqi and international laws for the duration of its involvement in the war in Iraq. Yesterday the U.S. State Department took Blackwater's untouchable status to a new level when they announced that they have granted all employees of Blackwater the right of prima nocte.
Sign-up for Weely Newsletter of Top Stories. Email Address: