"I have asked FEMA to supervise the Army Corps of Engineers in the building of a levy system utilizing the Sweetwater Reservoir, Lake Hodges, the San Diego Bay, and the Pacific Ocean. Construction will begin immediately and they will immediately fail. The levies will certainly break, water will flood the areas, any remaining fires will be put out, and the region will free from future wildfires."
And if there was any question as to President Bush's commitment to the failure of this disaster relief project, he answered that question with his appointment of the director of the project. In the president's mind there was only one man capable of successfully blundering such a monumental project: former FEMA Director Michael Brown.
"Brownie is gonna do a heckuva job. We're all just counting on Brownie to be Brownie. I just know he's got what it takes to completely muck this up and save southern California."
Brown himself indeed seemed confident in his capacity for ineffectualness. "I look forward to using my lack of leadership, lack of experience, lack of knowledge, and my general apathy towards human life to make this the most unsuccessful project in the history of FEMA. That's a bold statement, I know. But this is my solemn pledge.”
However, some are skeptical of Bush's plan. Gov. Arnold Schwartzenegger opposes the proposal, calling it "a dangerous fantasy". The governor prefers his own plan to quell the fires by teaming up top scientists with local fire departments to turn him into a half man-half water hose fire-killing cyborg able to single-handedly destroy any fire or human life in its path.
Nevertheless, even the president's harshest critics have to admit he is trying hard this time to aid those displaced by the disaster, despite their political affiliations. Southern California is a traditional liberal stronghold and many critics believed Bush would follow the pattern of his administration, which was one of reluctance to help any group who didn't vote for him.
However, a reflective Bush seems to have put partisan grudges aside and now sees the big picture:
"We learned an incredibly important and tragic lesson from Katrina: if you don't respond fast enough to a national disaster, it hurts your poll numbers. So you better believe we're not going to make the same mistake with people who actually matter."
Bush Unveils Plan for FEMA to Flood Southern California
A camera just happened to snap a picture of the president as he naturally stood directly in the middle of a pile of rubble while hugging a couple displaced by the wildfires.
By MATTHEW MONROE
CALIFORNIA—Many skeptics feared President Bush would be late to aid southern California after the tragic wildfires broke out. However, the president was quick to respond, declaring it a federal disaster area and sending in FEMA to help quell the fires and assist displaced citizens. As a result, the fires have largely died down and displaced homeowners may still be in shock but are at least safe.
However, due to the capital value of citizens the fire has affected and the threat it poses to the nation's financial viability, the president says he's taking no chances and will deal with the natural disaster the only way he knows how.
"We're not dealing with refugees like before. This time we're dealing with our fellow citizens," said an impassioned Bush. "To ensure the absolute safety of their homes, businesses, country clubs, and lending institutions, I'm gonna let FEMA do what it does best.
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January 24, 2008
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