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July 12, 2008
The Hunger Site
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Russert's death sent shock waves through Washington, as politicians realized they were finally free of the last journalist who would dare waste time actually doing research or focusing on facts and were now officially free from any type of substantial media scrutiny or general accountability.

“I'm deeply sorry for the loss of Timmy and my heartfelt condolences go out to his entire family and circle of friends,” said President Bush in a written statement.  “But f**k it.  Now there's no one left to stop us.”

“Frankly, I was dreading going on his show before the election,” said Sen. Barrack Obama, referring to Russert's meticulously researched and greatly feared interview style.  “But now it's clear sailing.  I suppose now this election will turn into a contest to see who can contradict their record the most by promising everything to all Americans.  I mean, who else is going to actually take the time to check our statements and compare them to our record?”

“But just in case, I have already scheduled four bowling games and sent out brief e-mails to several young, well-endowed Hollywood actresses.  That ought to occupy the media for at least another three months.”

Television journalists also reacted to the death of their unrivaled colleague, each in his own way.

ABC's Charlie Gibson and George Stephanopoulos both praised Russert's work but stopped short of canonizing him.  “Yes he was a great journalist, but did he wear a flag pin?” asked Stephanopoulos.  And Gibson took it one step further by demanding that Russert's widow address her husband's former priest's controversial views on abortion.

Meanwhile, CNN's Wolf Blitzer dedicated the content of his entire show to Tim Russert today.  The program was a historical one, as it was the first time since 9/11 that the “Situation Room” wasn't interrupted every five minutes by urgent breaking new alerts about overturned ice cream trucks, candidates' newly handicapped bowling averages, and the mating successes and failures of Chinese pandas at the zoo.

Blitzer further proved his respect for Russert by refusing commercial interruptions for the duration of the show.  However, this was a decision he may well have regretted, as he was unavailable for comment upon the conclusion of his program due to exhaustion from constant and excessive standing.

Fox News Washington bureau chief Brian Wilson was also reached for comment and asked about Russert's journalistic integrity.  He responded, “First of all, who's Tim Russert?  And what is this 'jour-nal-is-tic in-teg-rit-y' you speak of?”

Finally, Walter Cronkite gave Russert the highest praise, “In my day he would have been an average television reporter,” said the legendary former CBS anchor.  “Naturally that makes him the best television journalist in America today by a long shot.”

Yet despite the loss, Cronkite sees the future as promising, “He leaves us with a great void in the world of journalism.  Yet there is reason for optimism.  As he was the only journalist left, it will only take one to replace him.”

Tim Russert is survived by his wife Maureen, his son Luke, and the complete failure of the American media.
Journalists Mourn the Death of Tim Russert; Politicians Celebrate the Death of Journalistic Integrity

By DAVID YOLT
WASHINGTON—Television journalism officially died today just moments after Tim Russert passed away of a heart attack at NBC's Washington bureau.  The death of the venerated moderator of “Meet the Press” and NBC's Washington bureau chief marks the end of an era.

Audiences wishing their journalism to include facts, objectivity, substance, and political accountability now must rely on that void to be filled by rampant speculation, flashy graphics, headlines phrased as questions, and detailed political analysis of fist bumps, lapel pins, and Britney's psychological condition.
Tim Russert: by all accounts, the last guy who was even trying any more.