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Obama to Change Middle Name to 'Hitler'
Heil to the chief.  Polls indicate most Americans do not associated black people with Nazism.
By MICHAEL NYSER

COLUMBUS—Over the past week Sen. Barack Obama's middle name has been the subject of much controversy.  Last Tuesday conservative Cincinnati radio host Bill “Little Willy” Cunningham repeatedly used the Illinois senator's full name, Barack Hussein Obama, in a mocking fashion while introducing John McCain at a local campaign rally.

The fact that most Americans were already aware of Obama's middle name and do not care about it did not keep the national media from covering the story ad nauseum and keeping it as the top story even a week after the event.

But Obama is finally fighting back.
Fed up with the continuous coverage and fearing negative public reaction from primary voters in red states, Obama told reporters today that he has applied to change his middle name from the offensive “Hussein” to a more palatable name: “Hitler”.

The move came on the advice of his campaign team, which found his current middle name combined with his odd first name and terroristic-sounding last name, conjured thoughts of bloodshed and terrorism in the minds of certain voters.

"While I'm quite proud of my heritage, Saddam Hussein's brutal reign in Iraq has sullied my middle name and provided my political opponents with a target of ridicule," said Obama.  "It is my sincere hope that by changing my middle name we can move past shallow name-calling and onto the core issues of the day.  I'm placing my faith in Hitler to help us achieve that.”

But some political strategists point out that Hitler may, in fact, be a more divisive name than Hussein.  Obama doesn’t believe so:

“Perhaps the American people are dumb enough to think I’m a terrorist or dictator because of my middle name and the color of my skin.  And perhaps the American people are dumb enough to believe I'm a Muslim because I once wore an Somalian headdress during a diplomatic visit.  But I doubt that even Southerners are dumb enough to compare a black guy to Hitler.”

The move could have a resounding effect on the race to the White House, and Republicans are already scrambling for a new angle. "This name change really puts a damper on our ability to pester the leading Democratic candidate," said Senator John Cornyn, R-Texas. "Hitler comparisons have just become so cliché."

Sen. Cornyn went on to laud the move by Obama as a brilliant political tactic:

“He really got us.  If he would have gone with ‘Castro’, we would have nailed him.  ‘Al-Sadr’?  Political suicide.  Heck, if his middle name was ‘Ben’, we could have turned it into ‘bin Laden’ and the media would have eaten it up.  But Hitler is untouchable.  I just think that Hitler is great.  You can quote me on that: Hitler is great.”

And what of the name Obama?  Certainly having a last name that is only one letter away from Osama can’t sit well with American voters.  However, Senator Obama thinks the name will be advantageous.

“Obviously I think that having the names of two brutal Muslim murderers is too much," he said. "But having one softens me enough while still giving me that edge, that street cred I will need to carry certain sections of the Midwest.”

Obama’s supporters couldn’t agree more.  And they told us they optimistically look forward to the day when the only thing fascistic and murderous about America’s president is his name.
National Politics
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April 9, 2008
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