It certainly won’t be an easy task for the stoic Senator from New York, who’s demeanor is so cold that she is said to have remained completely emotionless through the Monica Lewinsky scandal, countless attacks on she and her husband’s character, and, as a child, the ritualistic torture, murder, and skinning of her beloved childhood dog Mr. Snuggles.
In fact, some former friends of Hillary are already counting her out.
“I just don’t see how she can do it,” said former Bill Clinton advisor James Carville. “I mean to tell ya’ll I saw her sit silently through ‘Schindler’s List’, ‘Love Story’, and two straight episodes of ‘Two & A Half Men’. I suppose there’s a handful of women who can sit all the way through those movies without crying, but I defy you to find a single human being alive who can endure an entire hour of Charlie Sheen.”
However, the Clinton team is confident she can find that second emotion. Recently they brought in a team of eight psychologists and three acting coaches in an attempt to teach her to mimic the human emotion of joy, which she is said to have lived without since her father revealed to her that she was an unloved mistake just before she blew out the candles on her cake at her fourth birthday party.
Before the incident with her father she was said to have shown multiple signs of emotion, including condescension and derision. But the incident really shook Clinton, causing her to recoil from human contact and human emotion. In fact, it is believed that her uproarious laughter seconds after her father told her how he felt was indeed her last display of an authentic emotion.
Nevertheless, the Clinton campaign team is confident their team of psychologists and acting coaches can make the emotionless senator passable as human. “We have Stella Roth,” said Patti Doyle, referring to the legendary acting coach of Keanu Reeves and Vin Diesel. “If she can make those idiots movie stars without possessing a single shred of emotion or charisma, just imagine what she can do for someone as smart as Hillary.”
Yet some still question if Hillary is capable of finding that second emotion. However, few doubt that she lacks the capacity to successfully endure such a drastic change in such a stressful situation as a presidential campaign.
CNN political analyst Jack Cafferty, for once, is not skeptical, “They say that because of our ability to perceive emotion and our sense of a soul, every human being has their breaking point. Thankfully for Hillary, she possesses neither of those qualities.”
And that lack of humanity certainly gives Hillary a huge advantage in the ability to endure the soul-crushing drudgery and pandering of a presidential campaign. Indeed, she is counting on her rare gift to carry her all the way back to the White House.
Following Success of Crying Incident, Advisors Instruct Hillary to Discover a Second Human Emotion
Sen. Clinton has made much progress but is still struggling to master the emotion of joy.
By MATTHEW MONROE
New Hampshire—Many pollsters have surmised that Sen. Hillary Clinton’s unexpected victory in the New Hampshire Democratic primary was due to her rare showing of emotion during the previous night’s debate. She appeared on the verge of tears while answering a question, and that singular incident was said to have swayed enough undecided female voters Clinton’s way to hand her the primary.
The Clinton political team has downplayed the significance of the incident publicly, but privately they are said to be urging their candidate to go even further. And that is why, according to sources within the Clinton camp, Hillary’s top advisors are counseling her to do what was once thought unthinkable: to discover and/or successfully mimic a second human emotion.
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March 1, 2008
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