National Politics
Free         Daily
***      ***
May 15, 2008
The Hunger Site
Sign-up for Weely Newsletter of Top Stories.  Email Address:

(No spam we promise)
Hillary Vows Eight Belles Can Still Win Triple Crown
Sen. Clinton is steadfast in her belief that New Coke, Betamax, and the Ford Edsel are certain to succeed.
By MILTON LIME

LOUISVILLE, KY—With the Kentucky primary fast approaching and her chances of gaining the Democratic nomination shrinking from slim to Dennis Kucinich, Hillary Clinton has employed a bold new strategy designed at garnering Kentucky's many white working-class voters: a steadfast insistence that Eight Belles will win horse racing's Triple Crown.
Hillary has been trumpeting her new message all around the Bluegrass state.  Most recently she spoke in Louisville at halftime of a Harlem Globetrotters game to a crowd of optimistic Washington Generals fans:

“They said Eight Belles was a 12-1 long shot to win the Derby, but she placed.  They said a filly couldn't compete with the boys, but believe me we can.  They said Eight Belles died on the track at Churchill Downs, but I'm here to tell you she won't let that stand in the way of her winning the Triple Crown!”

Critics were quick to point out that Eight Belles didn't even win the Kentucky Derby and that it would be especially tough for any horse to win both the Preakness and Belmont, let alone a dead one.  But Hillary was undeterred, “Look, this is Kentucky.  This is Hillary country: 'white working-class' voters.  Wink wink.  A shot of Bourbon and a photo of Obama in a turban and it's over.  I can say whatever the fuck I want. What are they going to do?  Vote for the black guy!?” 

Most political pundits find it hard to argue with that logic but are divided over whether her Eight Belles statements are just more political pandering by Hillary, indicative of her irrational refusal to admit defeat, or related to her insistence on destroying the Democratic party and America.

Former political advisor Jonathan Rockford believes it's merely political pandering, “With these statements, clearly Hillary is aiming for horse racing fans and low-income whites with less than an eighth grade education.  Fortunately for her, those two demographics make up 96% of registered Kentucky voters.  So kudos to her for hitting her mark.

“But personally I find her whole 'woman of the people' shtick laughable.  Certainly you can't trick the stealthy working-class white voters of America into thinking you're a regular Joe if you were raised rich, attended Yale University, and your husband was president.  That only works if you were raised rich, attended Yale University, and your father was president.  Otherwise, white working-class voters are just too sharp and see right through it.”

However, others believe that the statements by Hillary are merely delusional.  They note past claims made by Sen. Clinton insisting that the Knicks can still win the NBA championship, that Bear-Sterns stock is “holding steady and poised to rally”, and her unwavering belief that Yakov Smirnoff is certain to make a big comeback and become the biggest star in America.

And finally, the last group of pundits believes her irrational refusal to admit defeat is part of a larger plan to sabotage Obama, divide the Democratic party, and destroy America.  They cite her dirty tactics against Obama, the fact that she knows staying in the race will hurt the Democrats chances to win in November, the impenetrable three-person bunker recently built at the Clintons' Washington home, and schematics for a nuclear bomb set to destroy America on August 25 as reasons supporting their argument.

Yet despite such criticisms, Hillary is refusing to back down.  “I promise you that if I'm elected, I'll ignore the obvious numbers indicating a fledgling economy, the overwhelming data proving global warming, and the inevitability of our failure in Iraq.  I'm a fighter and I will never give up on a lost cause, including myself or you, the American voter.”

And it's that determination, toughness, and refusal to give into numbers, facts, or reason that has so many Americans still on her side.  In such difficult economic and political times, Hillary is counting on her strong message of denial to continue to resonate with voters and carry her all the way to the gingerbread White House.