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April 18, 2008
The Hunger Site
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In Light of Obama Pastor Scandal, Hillary "Thankful" to Worship Devil
"I will inflict grievous harm on those who oppose me and then aid them with universal health care."
By MATTHEW MONROE
PHILADELPHIA—Just before Obama's pastor scandal broke, rumors of Hillary Clinton's involvement in various devil-worshiping cults looked to be a potential hurdle in her bid to become the Democratic nominee.  It was feared that the electorate might find a fanatic Satan-worshiper too far out of the mainstream and general public opinion would turn against her.

But however offensive the thought of having a president who sacrificed virgins and bowed at the altar of unadorned evil might have been to white working-class Americans, it was obviously not nearly as bad as the possibility of electing an angry black man.
In fact, a recent Gallup poll showed that a candidate having a current demonic overlord who speaks out against flawed American foreign policy in a satanic manner has a negative index of only 26%.  However, the negative index for a candidate having a former pastor of Christian faith who speaks out against flawed American foreign policy in a black manner is a whopping 87%.

The numbers are indeed overwhelming.  They explain much of the reaction and seem to ensure a minimal backlash for Hillary.  Furthermore, after eight years under the enthusiastically Christian administration of George W. Bush, many Americans see the devil as a welcome change.

But some pundits fear she may have gone too far.  For her part, Hillary does not seem worried.

“Hello.  They have video of the black guy's angry black pastor.  I can say whatever the f**k I want.  F**k hope.  F**k the troops.  I admire the writings of Adolf Hitler and the comedy of Pauly Shore.  Rex Grossman will lead the Bears back to the Superbowl.  Kumquat banana rimjob.  It doesn't matter what I say.  The black guy's former pastor is angry and black.”

In fact, not only is Hilliary unworried, she claims it is her faith that has carried her through:

“Anyone who doesn't believe in the power of the devil, just look at what happened here.  I was way down in the polls and ready to concede.  Then I invoked my holy satanic savior to use his sources in the media and bang!  The news cycle changes instantly.  Obama in a turban for a week straight.   Barrack Hussein Obama for another week.  Obama a Muslim?  Maybe...?  And now his crazy black pastor for a month.  It's all they talk about!

“Most of it untrue.  Most of it irrelevant.  All of it constant headline news.  How else would you explain the absurdity of that?  If that's not proof that there's an almighty dark lord answering my prayers, then I don't know what is.”

So the question becomes: does this 'dark endorsement' of sorts ensure Hillary the presidency?  Is this all part of some grand scheme?

Hillary warns us not to get ahead of ourselves, “It's not going to be that easy.  I see this thing going to the convention.  So first I'll ruin the Democratic party, then America, then we'll worry about taking over the world.  Right now we're just working hard and remaining humble.  World domination is a ways a way.”

The devil was reached for comment regarding his involvement in any type of quest for world domination, but he denied that Hillary is or ever was a follower.  He further clarified the situation by insisting that he, in fact, worships her.