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“McCain set the bar pretty high,” said Barr.  “I mean, other than her stint as mayor of a town of 6,000, 4,000 of which I understand were moose, Sarah Palin's only held elected office for 18 months.  And she doesn't have a law degree, she didn't even go to graduate school.  In fact, it took her 6 years and 5 different schools including 2 community colleges to finally graduate college. 

“It's tough for a politician to be as common and unaccomplished as that.  But with our choice, we think we've found someone that swing voters and red staters feel is as dumb if not dumber than they are.  If the last eight years have taught us anything, it's that folksiness is the new leadership and below average intelligence is the new competency.”

Barr also thought it was important that American voters see a fresh face with a history of reform.  According to him, Ripa has the goods,  “She's a real reformer.  People forget how much she really shook up the show when she replaced Kathy Lee.  She's also an actress, so you know she can deliver a line.  And finally, she looks good.  Clearly all those things are more than enough to get the media to cover you nonstop and American voters to fall in love with you.”

And indeed the numbers show that Barr may be right in his assessment.  Certifiable morons make up an estimated 30% of the American voting block, and Barr is hoping he can peel off some of those voters who flocked to the McCain ticket when he added Palin.

The challenge now is to appeal to that group, which consists mainly of three subgroups: women who are still bitter that Hillary lost, women who vote for candidates based on how similar they are to themselves, and men with a chronic compulsion to masturbate while watching “The O'Reilly Factor” or “Lou Dobbs Tonight”.

However, pundits speculated that perhaps Barr should have chosen an even fresher face, someone newer to the American public like Palin.  In fact, “Heroes” star Hayden Panettiere was on Barr's short list.  But in the end, they went with Ripa for her strong family values:

“We did strongly consider Ms. Panettiere,” said Barr campaign manager Carl Nance.  “She would have brought a fresh face to the campaign, one that the mainstream media undoubtedly would have covered day in and day out regardless of the fact that we wouldn't have ever once let her give an interview or let her say anything substantial.

“But in the end we opted for the larger family and smaller boobs of Kelly Ripa.  Our polling showed that too many women found Ms. Panettiere's sexuality too threatening.  Kelly on the other hand is likable and sexually non-threatening to soccer and hockey moms, while still being sexy enough to court that all-important male pervert vote.”

But despite the fact that Barr opted for the more experienced candidate, he still faces some scrutiny for the pick.  Many question Ripa's foreign policy experience.  Critics charge she's unproven and intellectually underwhelming.

Barr shot back at both accusations, “First of all, Kelly once interviewed German supermodel Heidi Klum on her show.  That alone gives her more foreign policy experience than Gov. Palin.

“And as for attacks on her intellect, Kelly believes that global warming is man-made, that the earth is older than 4,000 years old, that Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac are both privately owned companies,  knows what the Bush Doctrine is, and can correctly pronounce 'nuclear'.  Despite her charming flightiness, that instantly makes her considerably smarter than her Republican counterpart.”

Yet still, many American remain doubtful that Ripa has the experience, intelligence, and gravitas to fill in for Barr should he win the presidency and happen to pass away.  But Barr says Americans have nothing to worry about.

“We've already taking care of that.  Her hair is being put up in a bun and we're fitting her with a sensible, yet sexy pair of glasses.  After that, I really doubt anyone will notice that she doesn't know who George Washington was and that she thinks the Supreme Court is Madison Square Garden.”

By MATTHEW MONROE
WASHINGTON—Libertarian Party candidate Bob Barr shocked supporters Thursday when he chose Kelly Ripa to be his vice presidential nominee.  Miss Ripa, the perky co-host of “Live with Regis and Kelly”, announced the news yesterday morning on her show in between “Travel Trivia” and a cooking segment with Martha Stewart.

The pick is seen as an crass attempt to cash in on the Sarah Palin phenomenon.  Barr hopes his reckless choice of an inexperienced candidate with radical ideas, a poor academic record, and no foreign policy experience will have the same galvanizing effect on American voters that McCain's choice did.
Following Success of McCain-Palin Model, Bob Barr Names Running Mate Kelly Ripa
September 12, 2008
Pundits believe Ripa (seen here licking a mug) is simple enough and inexperienced enough to court hockey moms, while sexy enough to court this year's core swing group: chronic masturbaters.