“And that is why I’m am leaving the pressures of Washington to move to San Francisco and pursue my lifelong dream of becoming a men’s bathroom attendant.”
Speaking from outside a hair saloon and day spa, wearing a pink beret and matching ascot, and flanked by two chain and leather-clad male escorts named Bruce and Pascal, the Senator went on to clearly reiterate his staunch heterosexuality:
“I am not gay. I have never been gay. And I never plan on being gay. My public support for a Constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage and my opposition to including crimes against gays in hate crime legislation proves that. Frankly, my record has been fabulously consssssissssstent.”
Still his guilty plea and alleged solicitation of an undercover male officer for sex leave some doubting his sincerity. But still the Senator categorically denies any wrongdoing.
“I always go into restrooms known for deviant homosexual activity and play footsy with other men in the stalls. I think most straight men do. How was I to know it was also a sign to solicit a man for deviant homo bathroom sex? Obviously I couldn’t have known because I’m not gay. So end of story.”
However, many have come forward to offer that this was not an isolated incident. Several witnesses claim to have observed or engaged in homosexual intercourse with the Senator in bathrooms all over the United States.
Stroking the head of Princess, his immaculately groomed miniature poodle, the Senator responded:
“Frankly, I’ll admit I’ve gone into thousands of airport, rest stop, and park bathrooms throughout the course of my life, but never once to solicit gay sex. My intentions were always innocent and plausible. I simply did it out of my love of being a bathroom attendant.
“Random gay sex doesn’t get me off. Spraying soap and handing out towels to strangers in airport bathrooms does. I just don’t understand why that’s so hard for you people to believe.”
Larry Craig Resigns To Pursue Lifelong Dream of Becoming a Bathroom Attendant
Senator Craig swears sticking your penis inside another man does NOT make you gay.
By MATTHEW MONROE
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Disgraced Idaho senator Larry Craig tendered his official resignation on Saturday. He resigned in the wake of controversy over his sexuality and his guilty plea stemming from a lewd-conduct investigation in a bathroom at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport in June.
However, the senator claims those reasons have nothing to do with him stepping down. Bopping his head to the beat of Cher’s “Believe”, the Senator emphatically stated:
“I have done nothing wrong. I am leaving the Senate for personal reasons. The pressure from this controversy is too much for me and my WIFE and CHILDREN! See them standing right over there…
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January 24, 2008
