"The level of self-delusion these two men each possess is dangerous," said Professor Stephen Hawking, the legendary applied mathematician and theoretical physicist. "Alone, they only have the power to destroy their own nation and perhaps one other. But if these two alternate universes of Ahmadinejad and Bush were to ever meet, the results will be catastrophic indeed."
Hawking explained the formation of a black hole could result from the merging of the giant mass of their ignorance into a single body by their mutual gravitational attraction. This body would then undergo gravitational collapse, producing a supernova and spending the rest of its existence as a black hole.
Hawking went on to cite a litany of misinterpretations, mistaken facts and outright lies in President Bush's universe, which scientists have dubbed "Bushaxia."
First, and perhaps most famously, the U.S. won the Iraq war on May 1, 2003 when Bush gave his "Mission Accomplished" speech aboard a massive aircraft carrier. Then he followed with repeated assurances that we were winning the war that he claimed had already ended.
Also in Bushaxia, abstinence-only education works on horny teens in the U.S. as well as in AIDS relief programs throughout the developing world.
Not to be outdone, in President Ahmadinejad's fanciful universe, "Ahmadinejadpronuntia" or “Ahmadinejadland” for short, the Iranian leader made it clear this week that he believes that no one has AIDS in his country due to the fact that they "don't have homosexuals in Iran."
He elaborated on the AIDS issue by calling it a “Jew germ” that only homosexual Jews carry and whose infection can be staved off by drinking the blood of a gypsy and then stoning your wife.
The two presidents’ twisted views on the Middle East vary as well.
Bush believes Saddam Hussein was directly responsible for 9/11, Iran is using its nuclear program to pursue a nuclear bomb, and the fruits of democracy are quickly spreading throughout the autocratic and historically dictatorial Middle East.
Ahmadinejad, on the other hand, believes the Jews were directly responsible for 9/11, Iran is not using its nuclear program to purse a nuclear bomb, and Iran and the region is already a democratic “open and free society with competing political parties and ideologies."
However, there is one thing they agree upon, though for different reasons.
Ahmadinejad has repeatedly said that the Holocaust was a hoax and never occurred. And Bush has been quoted as saying, “I thought it was only real in the movies,” referring to having seen the movie ‘Schindler’s List’.
However, despite the outright nuttiness of these competing alternate universes, some scientists are holding out hope that the world may not cease to exist if they were to collide here in New York this week.
The 2005 Nobel Prize-winning physicist Roy J. Glauber noted that because the two both have a strong belief in God, the meeting of the alternate universes might not result in complete annihilation.
"Their traditional and deeply rooted religious faith could create a bond between the two disturbing and twisted worlds, resulting in just a minor blip in the cosmic array," Glauber explained.
Informed, however, that Bush believes in only one God and his only son Jesus Christ, while Ahmadinejad believes in only one God and His Prophet Muhammad, and that both men claim to speak directly to God himself, Glauber wasn't nearly as hopeful.
"Never mind,” said the noted Nobel Prize winner. “These guys are complete f***ing whackjobs. We're all doomed."
Scientists Determine Alternate Universes of Ahmadinejad & Bush Could Collide and Destroy Mankind
This handshake alone caused multiple minor cosmic tremors. Astrophysicists fear a Bush-Ahmadinejad meeting could result in the end of mankind.
By MICHAEL NYSER
NEW YORK—As two of the world's most controversial leaders address the United Nations this week, scientists are warning that the alternate reality universes they inhabit could collide and create a massive black hole, devouring every solid fact ever known to man, or quite possibly destroying the universe the rest of us live in.
As a precaution, the U.N. Security Council has passed a resolution demanding that President George W. Bush and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad not come within one mile of one another during this contentious week.
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January 24, 2008
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