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May 15, 2008
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Scientists Isolate Asian Spelling Gene
This child finished first in the Under-14 category.  You cannot spell category.
By MATTHEW MONROE

CHATTANOOGA, TN—A leading research institute released a study yesterday confirming the suspicions that many under-achieving American spelling bee contestants have had for years: Asian children have a distinct advantage remembering the spelling of words due to a gene found only in children of Asian descent.


Dr. Buck Clanford is project leader and president of The Researchers’ Apex Science Institute of Southern Tennessee, or R.A.S.I.S.T.  He discussed the results of the study with us through an e-mail interview: “Theze results definatively confirm what many of us alredy new: Asians have a mind for remembring words and stuff, better than us Ameracins (sic).”

The results were the product of 11 months of study at the R.A.S.I.S.T. Institute.  According to Clanford, the original goal of the study was to discover the parts of the Asian genetic code that produce black hair and superior ping-pong skills.  However, in the course of that research he discovered the breakthrough Asian spelling gene.

It didn't take Clanford long to confirm what he had long believed: Asians weren't smarter because of social conditions such as superior study habits or greater parental involvement, but rather due to uncontrollable genetic factors, thus easing the burdens of expectation, performance, and responsibility for non-Asian students and parents alike.

The results, if they are to be believed, are startling.  But according to Clanford, American students of European, African, and Latin descent shouldn’t get too down.  He sees American superiority in other areas.

“For instance, you’re about as likely to see a white or black kid win a spelling bee as you are to have an Indian point guard lead the Lakers to the NBA championship.  I mean, Gandhi was a great leader who could give you three alternate spellings of ‘arrectisauribus’, but he couldn’t even touch the net.”

When asked whether he’d seen “Akellah and the Bee”, the recent film staring a young African-American girl who wins a spelling bee, Clanford said, “Yes, I did.  I’ve never laughed so hard in all my life.  I was waiting for the Mexican banker to give a loan to the Jewish gardener.  I put that movie in the same category as 'Lord of the Rings' or 'Roots': pure fantasy.”

Three-year-old regional champion Soon-Won Cha took great offense to Clanford's comments and to the study’s findings.  When reached for comment a visibly upset Cha had this to say, “I went poopy in my pants.” 

Adding, “Hepaticocholangiocholecystenterostomies.”

As for his next study, Clanford claims the success of the spelling project has put them one step closer to a monumental breakthrough that could save millions of American lives: the discovery of the gene that causes Asian women to have deficient driving skills.

However, as of right now Clanford and his crack group of scientists are focused on tackling the big one, “We have a team of scientists working around the clock to find the gene in women that allows them to recollect every single thing their male companion ever did wrong.  If we can accomplish this, then I feel we’ll have made the most significant scientific breakthrough since the Irish discovered alcoholism.”