Study: Exhaling Causes Global Warming
EPA Appeals to Public to Stop Breathing So Much
By JARVIS SPIVEY
WASHINGTON, D.C.- A new study by the EPA has found that human breathing is one of the largest emitters of the deadly gas known as CO2. After the burning of fossil fuels and the Kyoto Treaty, breathing is now the leading cause of climate change on the planet.
WASHINGTON, D.C.- A new study by the EPA has found that human breathing is one of the largest emitters of the deadly gas known as CO2. After the burning of fossil fuels and the Kyoto Treaty, breathing is now the leading cause of climate change on the planet.
In response to the study, EPA Administrator Stephen L. Johnson made a plea to the public this afternoon asking for all Americans to limit their oral carbon faceprint as much as possible.
"Not only do you suck out precious oxygen each time you inhale" said Johnson, "Everytime you open your mouth to exhale, somewhere, someplace, a polar bear drowns."
Johnson hinted that new Federal emission standards may soon be on the horizon. In the meantime, he asked for all Americans to do their part to stop breathing so much.
"Take my wife for example," he said "If she could just shut her trap for five minutes, then maybe we wouldn't be in such dire straights. That goes for you too Affleck!"
The new laws will most likely require Americans to hold their breath whenever they walk by a cemetery or a Hummer.
Breathalyzer tests, balloons and trumpets are expected to be outlawed altogether. Lamaze class is also on the chopping block.
The new regulations were applauded by both Al Gore and famous non-inhaler, Bill Clinton. Said Gore (wearing a life jacket) "I for one hold my breath all the time. Either we do it now, or we do it one hundred years from now when we're all living under water. I mean have you seen Waterworld? It's literally the worst movie ever."
Not all were happy with the announcement, however, including George Bush who was blue in the face over the proposed new regulations.
"I will veto the shit out of any law that combats global warming. Terrorists can't swim 'see. They can't breathe too good under water. They hate it. 'Just like witches. See that's why we have waterboarding. In other words, global warming defeats terror. It's simple geology 'see."
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January 24, 2008
Do hold your breath. A computer generated image of what humans may look like in the future if you keep breathing.
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