Bush Identified As Leading Cause of Impotence Among Men Aged 18-65
By Jarvis Spivey
WASHINGTON, D.C.-A new study by the American Health Association reveals that President Bush is now the leading cause of impotence among American men. 

According to the study, Bush’s missteps in Iraq have created profound feelings of helplessness among American men, so strong that they now extend to the bedroom.

“I don’t know,” said Bill, a 34-year old participant in the study, “Sometimes my wife and I are laying in bed, about to ‘do it’, you know.  But then I’ll see his face on T.V. or hear his voice, and down goes Willy.  I just can’t keep it up with that guy around...Oh yeah, Willy is the nickname for my dick.” he added. 
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January 24, 2008
Bill’s age group isn’t the only one that has problems ‘saluting the Chief’ according to the study.  Previous leading causes of impotence including heart disease, prostate cancer and latent homosexuality all fell well behind Bush's 65%, leading all age groups.

When asked to respond to the study, Bush said, “65%!  That’s great!  I haven’t had numbers like that for six years.”

Upon further explanation of the question, Bush pointed and said, “Look!  Al Queda!” and quickly left the room.

Perhaps most revealing of all, the study found Bush-induced impotence to be more resistant to Viagra than any other cause.  Scientists reckon that part of the reason must lie with American men themselves.

“I mean seriously, Nancy Sheehan has more balls than your average American man these days.  Not counting those in the military, obviously,”  said one Scientist.

Although the public lack of outrage remains largely unexplained, some fear that the growing plague of impotence could harm America in the long run. 

“If we can’t get it up, then what hope is there for the rest of the world?” surmised Bill, biting into a corndog. 

For now it seems, we'll just have to suck it up.

In an ironic twist, a separate study revealed Barbara Bush to be the number one mental image conjured during sex by men wishing to reduce their erection or stave off ejaculation altogether.

*Real names were not used in this article for purposes of medical confidentiality.  Bill's actual nickname for his dick is “Biggie Smalls.”
Even manly jackets like these have not been able to quell feelings of inadaquency among American men.