“My kids know not to talk to me during the season,” says OSU fan Michael Shaw of Worthington.  “Occasionally I’ll ask one of them to throw the football with me if I’m really nervous before a big game.  But other than that, Daddy’s off limits until after the bowl season.”

Shaw’s actions are typical of thousands of Buckeye fans around Columbus and throughout the country.  Ohio State alum Dale Stephens now makes his home on the west coast.  But that doesn’t stop him from adequately supporting his Buckeyes:

“I live in Redwood, CA.  I have a great job, a beautiful wife, and four wonderful kids.  But from September 1st until January 7th, I live in Columbus with my other family.  Frankly I can’t stand them, but my real wife is a Michigan fan.  So really what choice do I have?”

Stephens let us in on his typical routine during a game week:

“Sunday is spent reflecting on the game: reading the dispatch, analyzing the stats, watching ‘Buckeye Replay’ and ‘Buckeye Football Weekly’ back-to-back, and setting aside a time for quiet introspection on the game when I’d normally be at church.

“Monday is for second guessing Tressel.  Questioning why he ran every first down with 9 in the box, why he punted on 3rd down, and rumbling about the great arm you heard the backup QB has.

“Tuesday and Wednesday are transitional.  It’s time spent thinking how the strengths and weaknesses we showed in last week’s game will translate to the next opponent.

“Thursday is the day to get completely focused on our next opponent.  By Thursday my wife could tell me she’s been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s Disease and I wouldn’t even notice.

“Fridays are spent pacing the floor and lashing out at anyone who dares distract my focus: co-workers, bosses, children, priests, whoever. 

“And then comes Saturday morning.  I can’t actually reveal my game day ritual.  But I will tell you there are exactly 45 steps and it involves an Archie Griffin jersey, a scarlet and grey lampshade, and a live goat.

“Of course, Saturday nights are spent partying it up if we win.  And if we lose, they’re spent yelling and screaming at whoever’s around.  My wife says she loves it, as it’s the only time I talk to her all week.”

So it seems apparent some families may be suffering as a result of the upcoming football season, but businesses claim they will feel the pinch too.  Tony Ballard is the CFO of Ny-Tech, Inc., a software firm with headquarters in Columbus:

“For the first quarter fiscal period, which is football season, we generally see our worker productivity rates drop off to about 50%.  We account the only thing keeping that number from being 0% are our gay and female employees.”

So Buckeye fans, thank your gay and female co-workers the next time you have a moment, preferably sometime after January 7th.

Buckeye Fans Hastily Prepare To Neglect Family, Work

This devoted father of three spends a few last moments with his eldest son before abandoning him for the duration of football season.

By MATTHEW MONROE
CAMPUS—It's that time of year in Columbus.  The fresh artificial grass is laid.  The smell of Buckeye candies fills the air.  Local news programs lead off with breaking news about the condition of the pinky on the off-throwing hand of the Buckeye’s second string quarterback.  Anticipation and excitement abound as thousands of Buckeye fans prepare to neglect their family, friends, and work for the next 5 months.

Yes, Buckeye football season is upon us.  And there is a sense of urgency as true fans rush to tie up any loose ends.  Things such as putting in overtime at work, spending time with your children, and making love to your wife must be done now.  For after the Buckeyes take the field on September 1, all these things must be put on hold and sacrificed for a higher calling.

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August 22, 2007