Mike Hart Guarantees Fed Will Not Raise Interest Rates
Mike Hart:  "I will carry this Fed on my back if I have to."
By JARVIS SPIVEY
ANN ARBOR— After successfully guaranteeing a victory over Notre Dame, Michigan’s star running back Mike Hart made another bold pledge today, vowing that the Federal Reserve will not raise interest rates when it meets next week.

"I'm not worried" said Hart referring to the current credit crunch,  "We may be down right now, but I know this Fed.  They will step up next week when it counts.  I guarantee it."

Although some feel Hart may have been a bit too emboldened by the Notre Dame victory, his teammates say they fully support the General Studies major.

"He's always talking," said Wolverine safety Dan Andre, "We can't get through a practice without him saying something about sub-prime mortgage rate this, retail sector index that.  It's just the way he is."

Incumbent Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke disagrees, "I wish he would just shut his trap and play football.  Same thing goes for Alan Greenspan."

Hart, who had thirty-five carries for 187 yards and two touchdowns against the Irish, guaranteed the Fed would not only not raise rates, but that it would lower rates by at least half a point.  He then went on to make other guarantees:

"I guarantee that a ninja wearing bunny slippers will invent a new kind of bagel with the cream cheese already on the inside by 2010.

I guarantee that 'Red Dawn II', starring Halle Berry  would be the greatest movie ever made.

I guarantee that Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear.  I guarantee that Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair."

Concluded Hart, "It's time to step it up."

Lloyd Carr says that no one should doubt the youngster.

"I guarantee that no matter what you, or I, or anybody else says, Mike Hart will never, ever stop talking."

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January 24, 2008
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