World/National

"And don't get me started on Chinamen and the Irish. You know, back in my day a candy bar only cost a nickel and...”

Approximately 45 minutes later Paterno wrapped up his statement: ”...and that's what's wrong with the past seven generations. Any more questions about the game?”

As reporters persisted with further questions about the embarrassing defeat, the legendary coach became a bit more grounded and offered more plausible excuses. Paterno blamed the game's 8 pm start time conflicting with his 7 pm bedtime, the coldness of the lockerroom, and the illegality of “the colored boy who plays on Ohio's team.”

In retrospect, Paterno added that he probably should have attempted more drop kicks during the game. He also admitted to being distracted by the plight of the poor, drunk hobos of Paternoville outside the stadium. Paterno himself grew up during the Great Depression and knows how hard it is to be drunk and stupid. Added Paterno, "Damn that Herbert Hoover."

The cantankerous press conference led many to believe that now may be the time for the distinguished coach to finally retire. But like Fidel Castro, Paterno has outlasted countless U.S. Presidents and shows no signs of relinquishing power. When asked specifically whether he has any plans to step down, the venerated coach responded: "I'll retire the day talkies replace silent film."

Joe Paterno Blames Embarrassing Loss on Rock 'n' Roll, Chinamen, and Punk Kids

Joe Paterno feels the Nittany Lions' embarrassing loss was the direct result of the moral decay of society.

By WOODROW BUCKLEY

STATE COLLEGE, PA—Joe Paterno has honorably served Penn State University for 58 years. Whether he was physically assaulting referees, running into locker rooms to relieve himself, or threatening defenseless women in heated road rage incidents, he always did it with the utmost dignity and class.

So no one in college football can be surprised by the dignified manner in which he diverted the blame away from his players for Saturday's embarrassing 37-17 home loss against Ohio State by blaming rock 'n' roll, Chinamen, and punk kids.

“Punk kids don't have no respect for nothing no more,” said the 80 year old head coach. “They got their rock 'n' roll and electric phonograph players. They got their heads up their asses.