World/National

his looks MLS is looking at a 20% increase in female viewership, a 30% increase in gay viewership, and a staggering 90% increase in closeted gay football meathead viewership.”

Beckham signed a record $250 million contract. And not a single member of the L.A. Galaxy front office or MLS league office seemed phased by the fact that Beckham’s skills have been steadily deteriorating for years, he didn’t even start on his club team in Spain, and he had been cut from the English national team.

But with a face like that, who can blame them?

Ronaldinho, the world’s two-time defending player of the year was distressed by the contract but understood it, “I’m literally ten times better than Beckham. I’m guaranteed to bring many goals and many championships to any club. But I am ugly. And Beckham is pretty. Goals, assists, wins. Those things are irrelevant in soccer. With his beauty not only could he save MLS, he could save the world.”

But a few are still skeptical that Beckham’s looks will win over everyone. “I’m not so sure his signing will have any major impact on the sightless community’s desire to watch soccer,” said Stephen Charles of the National Sightless Association. “Well, not with most anyway. We can’t even see his glorious face. But I have a bust of David’s head and I caress it daily. His beauty transcends blindness.”

MLS is betting on that fact.

They will not know for a while whether Beckham is worth his $250 million contract in terms of winning and market value. But they will soon find out that in terms of prettiness, he’s more than worth his weight in gold.

Beckham Expected To Bolster League Prettiness By 30%

David Beckham is considerably better looking than you and everyone you know.

By MATTHEW MONROE

LOS ANGELES—MLS representatives have all agreed that Beckham’s inclusion in the league will increase stadium attendance by at least 25% over the next 5 years. However, fashion experts are predicting that he has made a greater impact in the league in a much more important category: prettiness.

League spokesman Grant Schuster said, “Sure, some fans will come to see Beckham compete as an athlete on a soccer team. But the majority of women, and frankly the majority of men, are following him because of his rare and undeniable beauty. I mean, I’m not gay. But if I were...”

Marketing expert Donnie Deutsch seemed to echo those statements, “Frankly, I hate soccer and I always will. I just know he’s damn pretty. Based strictly on